Relationships are either a source of renewal or source of drama. If you continue to experience relationship drama it may be an unconscious communication pattern, which makes others feel unsafe around you. Here are four communication mistakes and how to correct them.

1. Discounting

2. Giving advice too soon

3. Judging

4. Betraying trust

Discounting

Rolling your eyes when you disagree; saying “don’t make such a big deal out of it,” or forgetting to keep a small promise are some of the various ways you might be discounting others. You may even say, “It’s no big deal,” which is yet another way to minimize what you have done so you can avoid looking at your own patterns.

Solution: Show respect. Stop rolling your eyes, and simply express your disagreement.  What is a big deal to one person is small beans to another. Never tell anyone their issue isn’t important.

Giving Advice Too Soon

How do you know if you gave advice too soon?  You will trigger a “drama response” in the form of anger, defensiveness, or pouting.  Most of us, even when it seems that we are asking for advice, usually want something else. Right or wrong, we want to be heard, we want agreement, or we want to vent.

Solution: Your goal is to make sure they feel understood. The way to accomplish this is to listen-acknowledge, instead of jumping in with an instant solution. Before offering solutions, acknowledge how the other person feels without rescuing, agreeing or making her wrong. For example, “It sounds like you were really angry,” then wait for her response. Once she calms down she may be open to your advice or opinion. A good rule of thumb to remember is this: the solution is always secondary to feeling understood.

Judging

Your spouse or partner will avoid you like the plague if when they are around you they feel judged. Calling someone “Stupid” or saying things like, “I would never do that,” or telling your loved one what he should have done, is a sure-fire way to make him avoid you. As I mentioned before, giving advice too early can also be seen as a form of judgment.

Solution: Accept your partner and be open. The best way to avoid judgment is to listen and become curious instead of jumping to conclusions.

Betraying trust

Besides leaking a secret, teasing is another way of betraying trust. When you know someone has a sore spot and you bring it up in public you represent yourself as one who is not safe to share sensitive information with.

Solution: Consider your loved one’s feelings and avoid the temptation to tease them about their weaknesses.  They are not good at numbers? They can’t balance a checkbook? They are directionally challenged? It’s fine if they want to be the one sharing this information in a humorous way but it’s not OK for you to.

A good rule of thumb: Don’t tease anyone unless it puts them in a positive light and honors them.

Marlene Chism is a speaker, a coach and the founder of the Stop Your Drama Methodology, an 8-part empowerment process to improve relationships, and increase personal effectiveness. For a free e-lesson go to www.stopyourdrama.com

HappyHer.com thanks you again Marlene for your expert insight into such an important relationship topic.  Stopping the drama in your relationship is one of the most important things you can do in order to increase intimacy and passion.  We hope her words of wisdom will be a helpful catalyst in resolving the drama in your life.

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What does your significant other, life partner, or spouse know about you that you don’t know about yourself? You might be surprised.

The concept that others know things about “me” that I don’t know about myself was first introduced to me in a college class where I learned about the Johari Window.

The Johari Window is a cognitive psychological tool which helps you see yourself in comparison with how others see you.

It’s a little disturbing to think that you know who you are, but the one you love most might see you in a totally different way. Even married partners often silently think things about each other that they keep to ourselves.

I have come up with three things your significant other could know but not be willing to tell you. Read on, the solutions are also included.

Unless it’s said in anger to pull your strings, your spouse may not really tell you that:

1. You are a bad listener

2. You are boring

3. You are untrustworthy

You are a bad listener

There is nothing that makes a person feel more loved than to be heard. Many men like to solve problems so instead of listening they start spouting out advice. Women often multi-task or criticize instead of being present.
The solution: Be silent while the other person is talking and try to “feel” what he or she feels. Then acknowledge them by saying something like, “it sounds like you were really frustrated.” They will either nod in agreement or give you more information to let you know if you are on track or not.

Be willing to have the integrity to admit when you aren’t listening or when you have drifted off. Say for example your wife Mary calls you about something that seems trivial to you. You can catch yourself and say, “Mary, I’m sorry. I got distracted and started reading an e-mail. I’m trying to end this habit by calling it out. Please forgive me. Would you repeat what you just said?” Believe me, Mary will be so impressed and I’ll guarantee you will start to change your habit.

You are boring

No one is going to say it, even if they think it. So what makes for an interesting versus boring person? Well, this list is a long one. Let’s look at some things folks might do to bore YOU, then see if any of these also apply to you.

• She talks about herself non-stop.

• He can’t tell a story in less than ten minutes with too many details to count.

• He is dogmatic, narrow minded and opinionated.

• She is negative Nelly.

The solution is about changing habits. Here are four places to start: ask a question, open your mind, be curious and say something positive. Track the time you spend talking about yourself. Learn how to ask an open ended question and not only will your partner think you are the most interesting person in the world, you will also be the life of any party.

You are untrustworthy

This one can be shocking because you thought you were trustworthy. What makes someone see you as undependable is making a promise then not following through. Men are known to say, “I’ll get it fixed when the weather clears up, when I get this other project finished, when…” Women often have a habit of gossiping about their personal issues with their women friends. Both men and women can be guilty of getting their mom or other family members involved with their relationship drama.

The solution:
My advice to men is to set a date to do what you said you will do and then do it, or hire it done so that you can keep your word. My advice to women is to go easy on discussing your marriage or your personal relationship with every friend. This makes men feel that you can’t be trusted. Finally, keep your drama between the two of you private. Trying to get others to take sides will backfire in the end.
So, here’s the question: What does your significant other know about you that you don’t know about yourself?

Marlene Chism is the author of Success is a Given and the founder of The Stop Your Drama Methodology. You can see more at www.stopyourdrama.com

We are thrilled that Marlene took the time to offer this information for us.  What your partner thinks about you has a direct impact on the level of passion and intimacy that’s maintained.  Make attempts to communicate and work through any issues on a healthy level and get back to some good loving!  If you need assistance, contact Marlene or another capable coach or counselor.