You might have heard the words “sacred sex” and wondered what that refers to. Or perhaps you were placing an online order for a “marital aid” and you kept reading about something called “tantra.” Maybe you have heard the rumors about 3 hour orgasms and extended lovemaking which sounds like it should have its own category at the Olympics. You might have even stumbled across book titles such as Women of the Light: The New Sacred Prostitute (an anthology edited by Kenneth Ray Stubbs) or Nancy Qualls-Corbett’s Sacred Prostitute: Eternal Aspect of the Feminine and wondered “could there be such a thing as sacred prostitution or sacred sex?”

Would you like to know what all the fuss is about? Allow me to shed some light on the subject. First, I recommend expanding your definition of sex. Most of us have been told there are definite and rather rigid boundaries between what is considered sex and what it is not sex.

Those definitions are not shared by everyone and they tend to fluctuate over time as evidenced by former President Clinton’s attempts to re-define his romantic association with Monica Lewinsky with his now infamous quote “I did NOT have sex with that woman.” Since the sex play they engaged in did not include sexual intercourse, Bill Clinton may not have actually considered what they did (oral sex) to be “actual sex.” Or he may have just been lying.

Either way, his public stance on the topic created an unexpected ripple effect. The grade-schoolers of the day came to believe that oral sex was not sex and once they reached junior high school, they proceeded to engage in unprotected cunnilingus and fellatio resulting in an epidemic of gonorrhea of the throat. The increase in sexually transmitted infections (STI’s) was not only due to the fact that these children were failing to use condoms but it also pointed to their casual approach to oral sex. They simply did not consider it sex so they tended to engage in the behavior as if it was a handshake.

This is just one example of the power of words and how we define them. While I recognize the importance of definitions which assist us in determining what constitutes sexual abuse or what carries the risk of pregnancy or disease, I am also aware of the limitations created by narrow definitions of sex.

By driving a wedge between our spiritual and sexual selves, many of us suffer from the sensation of being disconnected from our sexuality. We assume that we must choose between being spiritual and being “carnal.” People of faith in particular often suffer from profound sexual shame. But even if you have not been inculcated with the “sex is sin” dogma, you probably live with at least a modicum of sexual shame. It is difficult to avoid given our culture’s insistence on pairing “sex and violence” and “sex and scandal.”

Considering that sex is the source of everything we love, it is sad to see it get such a bad rap. If there were no sex, there would be no people – and no animals, no plants, no flowers and therefore no food. Spring is all about sex and flowers are beautiful sex organs. Even the origin of the universe which is postulated as the “Big Bang” sounds suspiciously like an orgasm with ejaculation. And if everything has its origins in sex, how can sex be anything but central to our existence? But again, to take this ride, you have to expand your notion of sex. It isn’t just penis/vagina sex. Sex does not even require genitals. Sex is about energy and sexual energy can be aroused and released in a variety of ways.

Some people prefer genital sex while others enjoy breathing their way to sexual fulfillment through meditation practices such as Tantra. Still others find their bliss in BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism). While it can be tempting to judge the sexual orientations and preferences of others when they don’t match our own, as a sexologist I can tell you that all this sexual diversity is a beautiful thing. As long as it is consensual behavior between adults, the opportunity exists to create profound connection and immense pleasure via a multitude of practices. Some sexual practices are used specifically to achieve spiritual connection and enlightenment. To our Western ears, this sounds dangerously sacrilegious or silly at best.

But our sexual energy IS spiritual. Kundalini energy lies at our root chakra and that energy IS sexual. This energy can produce mind-blowing orgasms which can be achieved without a partner and without touching your genitals. This energy is also what fuels our creativity. And kundalini creates the doorway to spiritual enlightenment. Many religions tap into this powerful sexual energy when they become “filled with the Holy Spirit” or engage in other ecstatic spiritual experiences such as “speaking in tongues.” Only the phobias and taboos surrounding the word “sex” blind the faithful to the sexual energy which is an inherent and ever-present component of spirituality.

So what can you do to experience more spirituality in your sex – or more sex in your spirituality? First and foremost you have to let go of your cultural programming. A first step toward this end is education. Read all you can about the history of sex and you will find yourself feeling less and less sexual shame. There really is nothing new under the sun and your grandparents may have been experimenting with sex you thought was only invented for your generation. The “don’t ask – don’t tell” mentality of the military is actually the default setting for most families and communities. Everyone is a sexual being but we are admonished not to talk about it. Often this translates to “don’t think about it” either. So give yourself permission to think about it and then find safe people to talk to.

Talking about your desires and fears helps you come out of your sense of isolation and feeling “terminally unique.” It puts your sexuality and your spirituality in context and can create a sense of community. Online chat rooms can be a place to start discussing sex with others. Just be sure you select an online community which reflects your overall comfort level and objectives. Some chat rooms are really about online masturbation and if that is not what you are seeking you might want to seek a more cerebral crowd.

Another great place to explore your sexuality and spirituality is in a workshop. You can search online or in alternative magazines and newspapers. Many wonderful workshops about sex and spirit are available at locations which serve as ideal vacation destinations too. For instance, several organizations offer tantra workshops as part of dream vacations to Maui, Sedona, etc. You can also find workshops about sex and spirit at retreats such as Harbin or unique social organizations such as OneTaste. If you have any difficulty locating these resources, feel free to drop me an email and I will be happy to share an appropriate link with you.

And of course, you can always seek the advice and guidance of a professional. For instance sex educators and sexologists such as me can assist you in overcoming blocks to your sexual/spiritual birthright. Just remember that sex is not just a healthy part of your life. Sex is your core – emotionally, spiritually and creatively. When you are connected to your sexuality in a life affirming and positive fashion, every other aspect of your life will sing!

Veronica Monet is a Certified Sexologist and Sex Educator. She can help you change the channel on your love life! Whether you want out of a failing marriage or to enjoy more meaningful sex with your mate, Veronica knows what is required to achieve measurable change in your life. Her extensive media credits include CNN, A&E, ABC’s 20/20, FOX News, Bill Maher’s Politically Incorrect and The New York Times. Veronica offers workshops and lectures as well as professional advice on sex, romance, relationships and love. Her book, Sex Secrets of Escorts - Tips from a Pro (Alpha Books 2005), is available in most major bookstores as well as online. Tune into Veronica’s new radio program, The Shame Free Zone, to ask anonymous questions about sex and dating for free: www.bbsradio.com/theshamefreezone. To find out what Veronica can do for you, visit her website: www.sexwithoutshame.com or call toll free at 888.903.0050.