Comments on: Better Sex with the Help of Our Partner’s and Sponsors!

By: Jaxxx

Jaxxx — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 06:04:01 +0000

I can see how my comment may have been misconstrued as being resistant. It was suggested by a councilor my wife and I were seeing for some time to do it in 10 minute increments, so I figured 15 would be the best of both suggestions. I’m taking the vote of confidence and putting it up on the shelf for now. I did suggest the part about practicing it once a week even if there are no issues we may be dealing with. I see the importance of practicing new behavior. There’s a saying that comes to mind….. “If nothing changes, nothing changes”. My wife is my best friend and worth all the scary and awkward feelings that could possibly arise. And, I could always use more synaptic connections!

By: Veronica Monet, ACS

Veronica Monet, ACS — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 20:18:27 +0000

Of course you can do this any way you choose, but be forewarned that the resistance to doing the exercise as stated is the first sign that you probably won’t succeed. It’s not a guarantee but a high probability. The reason the exercise is for 20 minutes (not 10 or 15 or 25) is because that amount of time allows you to engage emotionally and get out of your comfort zone without staying engaged so long that you risk a major conflict. Also, it is an exercise – NOT a parachute for your next problem. If you don’t practice the exercise now when things are going smoothly, you will not be able to pull it off in the heat of an argument. Practicing once a week whether you need it or not builds those synaptic connections in your brain which will help you do what you have practiced when a real problem arises. Try it. What do you have to lose? And keep in mind – if it feels a little scary or awkward or unnatural – you ARE doing it the right way! We can never expect different results unless we do something different and new things always feel “funny.” But the pay off is worth it! I promise.

By: Jaxxx

Jaxxx — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 07:01:53 +0000

Thanks for the feedback Veronica. I like the part about setting aside a specific amount of time, but maybe 15 minutes?! I actually talked with my wife about this suggestion and she is in! I’m confident that if we both stick to that plan along with some other rules we setup (like the i feel statements and not “i feel you” either). I’m in no hurry to try it, but I don’t dread the next time an issue comes up as much now. We’ll both feel respected and cared about. The challenge there would be to not deviate from that plan with old behaviors. Thanks again!

By: Veronica Monet, ACS

Veronica Monet, ACS — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 09:07:03 +0000

Fear lets you know you are alive! So a little anxiety can be a good thing. But when our fears cause us to shut down and turn off, it stops working for us and begins to deterioate our loving relationship(s). That is why it is so important to learn simple communication and problem solving techniques – believe it or not this is key for creating a fantastic sex life! Try setting aside 20 minutes every week to air out those little frustrations that have a tendency to build up into big walls to intimacy. Don’t go over the 20 minutes (use a timer!) and take turns speaking and listening. Use “I feel” at the beginning of your shares and validate your partner’s feelings with “I hear you feel . . .” If something serious comes up during the 20 minutes which doesn’t get solved in the allotted time, simply agree to pick up where you left off next week. This disciplined problem solving program actually creates more passion in the relationship because the healthy boundaries create safety for both of you! Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

By: Jaxxx

Jaxxx — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:26:41 +0000

You’re not alone. Fears, yes. It took me 6 years to commit to get married due to a previous marriage gone terribly bad. There’s a lot of issues that come up… like what if we get into a fight. My routine is to shut down or withdrawal. It’s hard for me to want sex when I feel hurt/resentments. But, I’m viewing this as an opportunity to learn many things… grow… and of course have a lot of fun too. If we fall short on the challenge, we’re still moving in the right direction.

By: Krisanna JEffery

Krisanna JEffery — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:32:25 +0000

As my partner and I debate with ourselves about whether or not we are up to the challenge we are examining what exactly our fears are in committing to the 101 days. Is anyoneone else having the same struggle?