On one hand, it could be that one partner doesn’t understand the true needs and benefits of keeping a healthy sex life as a top priority.  Or, it could be there are issues outside of the bedroom that could be leading to a lack of physical intimacy.  Whatever the issue is, it needs to be addressed.  The excuses need to stop and seeking professional help needs to happen if you can’t solve this critical issue between the two of you.

Here are a few tips that might help you:

1. If there are physical issues, work with a doctor to find solutions, or to develop work around contingencies such as new sexual practices or positions.
2. If it’s a matter of using sex as a punishment or reward, stop that now.  It’s emotionally and mentally abusive to hold your partner’s physical needs like a carrot in front of donkey.
3. Address ALL issues outside the bedroom.  As a show of good faith, start having more sex knowing that the issues can be worked through.  Also, while you are working through the issues, do not argue with your mates feelings about this, you’ll never win and it will just create more issues.  For example, if your partner says they feel alone with the burden of taking care of the home, and it’s decreasing their desire for you, you better find a way to get off your butt and help out.  Again, excuses need to stop.
4. People make time for what’s most important to them, it’s a fact.  If “not enough time” is your excuse, stop that too.  Make time.  I can’t put it any simpler than that.
5. If it’s because sex has become boring, or it just isn’t “doing it” for your partner, start exploring new ways of doing it.  Push your envelope in regard to what you are willing to do.

People, sex is such an important part of life.  It decreases risks of cancer and high blood pressure; it even keeps you looking up to ten years younger.  There is no rationalization you can give me for not doing it if you are physically capable of pursuing it on any level at all.

I encourage all of you struggling with not enough sex to check out the brand new, do it yourself, workbook at Amazon. The Golden Key to Unlocking Your Soulmate Relationship can teach you everything you need to gain the intimacy, emotional, and physical satisfaction you crave.  Check it out here.  You’ll learn that how to have more sex is so much easier and more fun when both of you are able to get on the same page in your relationship and this book will replace years of counseling to help you get there.  If you want coaching support, you can also sign up for the entire Golden Key program.

Lissa Rankin, M.D. is a practicing gynecologist and she has written an article about vaginal rejuvenation surgery that I wanted to share with you all.  Hop on over to her blog and read Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery: The Horror, The Horror now.  It’s a great read if you have a vagina or just really love them (Read, for both men and women).

When you are done reading that, come back to the HappyHer.com Blog and read about natural ways of toning and tightening that doesn’t rely on surgery.  Sexual Workout for Better Sex includes tips for the men and the ladies, and Kegel Exercises for Women will give you a great routine to get started with better vaginal health.

One of the most common complaints we hear is that one part of a couple isn’t satisfied with the amount of sex they get to have with their mate.  So, we thought we would list out some of the most important things you can do to have and maintain a happy sex life with your partner.

How to Have a Happy Sex Life

Sex needs to be kept a priority. Many times life gets in the way.  We have jobs, kids, a mortgage, and other events that pull our attention away from creating a wonderful sex life for ourselves and our partner.  Some people shy away from scheduling sex, saying it’s not sexy if it’s not spontaneous.  But scheduled sex can be very exciting.  You have a chance to plan and prepare, you can spend time before hand leaving each other suggestive messages about what they might be in store for during your sex date.

Keep sex exciting. Even if you are very conservative and not into “kink”, you can still find lots of things to do to keep sex from getting boring.  Try stretching your limits a bit and explore new ideas.  Take turns finding new things to try with each other and new ways to turn each other on.  Read a book, watch a movie, email us, there are tons of ideas out there.

RELAX! It’s life, we all live it, and we aren’t going to get out of it alive.  We all have our own issues, work problems, family issues, money issues, it seems like every day has some new challenge.  Stress, anxiety and fear are some of the biggest libido killers.  Nip them in the bud, even if you need professional help in order to get these three things under control.  It’s worth it to know how to live life in a relaxed and joyful manner, and THAT’S sexy!

Come to terms with your body. Many of us get to the point where we are embarassed for our lover to see our body.  We insist that the lights be kept off and do everything we can to keep them from seeing how flawed we are.  The sad part of that is it’s all bullshit.  Turn on the lights and if your lover has an issue, it’s THEIR issue, not yours.  In the meantime, you can do what you can to get and stay in shape for yourself to feel better about you, but don’t allow your sex life to suffer just because you are too critical of yourself.

Take care of issues. We ALL have issues, and unfortunately many issues seem to effect our sex life.  Whether it’s past
sexual abuse, low self esteem, or issues with our lovers, we need to work those issues out.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Many people are hesitant to get counseling because they feel it’s shameful or too expensive.  But look around your area or online, many therapists will work with you at an affordable rate.  You can also look into support groups for victims of abuse.  Those are free and have lots of people ready to help support and encourage you to feel better.

Granted, if you and your lover are having issues with each other, then both of you have to be willing to work through
them.  The secret here is many times a lover doesn’t understand how issues outside the bedroom can effect issues inside the bedroom.  But they do, and they need to be worked through.  Learning how to negotiate with your partner will help SO much with this.  Notice I said negotiate and not compromise.  Never compromise.  You’ll both lose.  Negotiate until you are both happy with the negotiations.  The Golden Key to Unlocking Your Soulmate Relationship works wonders for couples looking to work through issues and get back to good loving.

See a doctor. Get a checkup if you feel your sex drive is low and there is no other explanation.  Sometimes, especially
as we age, our hormones need some help.  You won’t know if you don’t talk to your doctor.  Be careful of medications
that will lower your sex drive as well and ask your doctor what you can do to help alleviate that symptom so that you
can maintain a happy sex life.

Keep yourself aroused and in the mood. Do whatever does it for you, as long as it’s in line with what’s acceptable within your relationship. It’s truly not up to your partner to do all the work to make sure YOU are turned on, you gotta do some of that for yourself.

Turn yourself on.  Some people get turned on by wearing sexy lingerie, other’s like sexy movies, and books.  Porn is a very popular way, but sometimes it’s an issue.  Discuss that with your partner first, but at least books or magazines should be acceptable.  There are all sorts of turn ons from music, to dancing, to even gardening, or working out.  Find out what your turn ons are and pursue them avidly.

Keep the mood set. A clean, inviting home and bedroom helps create a welcoming environment for sex.  Seductive
smells like vanilla, sandalwood, pumpkin pie spice are all aromas that invite sensuality.  Keep your bedroom free of
clutter, family pictures (Come on, how sexy do you feel when little Junior’s face is smiling out of that frame?), old bed
clothes are so not sexy.  Make it a point to keep your area prepared for lovin’.

I hope these tips have helped to get your creative juices flowing.  With a little time, attention and effort, there is no reason why the two of you can’t maintain a happy sex life for years to come.  If worse comes to worse, make sure and do it sometimes too even when you aren’t in the mood.  Your partner deserves the health benefits and you never know,
sometimes you’ll have incredible sex after you’ve decided to do it regardless of whether you feel like it or not.

That is where specific keys come into play. If you use the keys, it will unlock the full potential of your relationship. We’ve all heard how “Communication is key”. Other people say that “Having similar belief systems is key”. While those topics might hold merit, it’s simply not the truth of what will make your relationship grow and deepen into the type of happy life together that you could fully reach.

The Golden Key to Unlocking Your Soulmate Relationship is the only program that addresses the absolutely most important keys that make a relationship worth holding onto for your whole life. I want to share one of those keys with you now.  You can start to apply this key to your relationship immediately, and see how effective it is.

The Validation Key

The most simple definition of validation is that it is to confirm what your are observing, hearing, or witnessing about another person. As simple as it sounds, it’s one of the most important basic emotional needs.

Everyone Needs to Feel Validated

To feel validated helps us to feel that we matter, that we will be thought of. When this need is not met early in life, there is a huge risk of personality, mental, and emotional disorders, such as Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, and other stress related illnesses and neurosis. As adults we also suffer severe damage when we are in an invalidating environment.

It only makes sense that if you want a thriving relationship, that you do everything possible to provide an environment that is validating for yourself and your partner. In fact, many times, part of our original attraction to each other was that validated feeling we got when we were around each other.

We couldn’t keep our eyes, hands, or minds away from each other. We accepted and acknowledged each other and the reciprocal validation lead us to fall deeper and deeper in love. As time goes on, those validating moments get lost in the shuffle of life and of beginning to take each other for granted, that’s typically when the “honeymoon is over”.

Learning to Validate Yourself and Others is a Critical Key to Unlocking True Relationship Success

Consider this:  Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish. Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength.

If you really want to lower the amount of conflict and issues with your partner, then validating their feelings is the FIRST step. Often it’s the last step as well which can be a blessed event in and of itself. But what usually happens is one person voices a concern or feeling, they are treated with invalidating actions or responses, so they escalate their emotions in order to try to have them paid attention to. Or, the person that feels invalidated will shut down and I’m sure you can see how either of these responses to feeling invalidated are not going to help your relationship remain as happy as it could be.

Examples of Invalidating Actions:

• Your partner shares their feelings and you say “You shouldn’t feel that way”, Or “What about how I’m feeling?”, or “Don’t be stupid”. Or worse yet, “You just want to bitch”.

• Your partner is trying to talk to you, but you only half listen while you continue to play video games, watch t.v., type on your computer, text, or some other form of rudeness. Yes, that is rude. Look at someone when they are talking to you, when your life is over you’ll wish you’d spent more time paying attention to your loved ones than your material possessions, so give them your time willingly.

• You immediately say “I don’t have time for this”, “Don’t even go there”, or “I don’t want to talk about it”. If you are truly that crunched for time, or if the topic is too sensitive to talk about at that moment then let your partner know FIRST that you realize that what they have to say is important. Then let them know this moment is not good for you and suggest a time when you will be better able to communicate with them. It might look like this, “Honey, I see this is something we need to talk about. I am really tied up right now, but want to give you my full attention. Can we talk in about fifteen minutes?”

• You are in the middle of a conversation or argument and you’ve had enough.  So, you get up and leave the room without saying a word to your partner.  This will create feelings of abandonment in your partner that won’t be easy to shake and it will damage the trust your partner has in you that they are emotionally safe with you.

Now that you know what not to do, let’s talk about working on validating each other instead. Your communication levels will become more open, loving and trusting. Walls of resentment, abandonment issues and trust issues will melt away. Caustic elevations of arguing, complaining, bickering and nagging will also become a thing of the past.

Validating is Simple, Use this Three Step Method:

Okay, before I get into the three step method, I have to tell you that it IS a simple process. It’s very difficult to excel in. Practice makes progress though and this is a practice you definitely want to become very serious about if you hope to create the best possible relationship.

The Three Step Method:

• Validating another person means you listen to them. Put down the cell phone, stop texting, look AT your partner, and listen to them.

• The second step is to to accept what they are saying and back that up with a supporting comment or action (Such as a hug or assuring touch). Now, this is important. You do not have to agree with what was said. You might think your partner is irrational, off their rocker, and completely wrong. It is invalidating and just plain offensive to point that out and won’t help the situation, so just don’t go there.

• So, you accept what they said. At this point, you may ask for clarification to make sure you understand them completely. Then repeat these three steps until your partner feels as if they have been completely able to share with you.

While you are working these steps, refrain from trying to jump in and fix things. Keep your judgments and critical thoughts to yourself. A person’s feelings are never wrong. Write that down.

A side note about feelings:  You don’t choose your feelings, you choose what you want to do about them.  Feelings are the weather inside our bodies. Just as we don’t always like a rainy day, we don’t always like our own feelings. Being able to voice our feelings and feel accepted and acknowledged even when those feelings aren’t the most pleasant is very important to sustaining the type of relationship where love and intimacy will continue to stay vital and strong.

Don’t take my word for all of this though. Try it out yourself and watch how your partner blooms with the feelings of love and security they’ll feel when they are truly validated as a worthy person in your life.

This key is just a small example of the other 8 keys towards The Golden Key to Unlock Your Soulmate Relationship. The other keys are filled with questions, homework, one on one coaching, couple’s coaching, and so much more.

If you feel your relationship is worth investing in, then this is definitely the program you want to become involved in. More information about this program including testimonials from other couples can be found HERE.

Now for the occasional mild pat or slap on the ass, it’s typically something you just do without too much thought when you are in a long term relationship. You just can’t help yourself but to touch your partner in playful ways like that. For anything more intense than that, you need to first make sure your partner is in agreement.

If your partner agrees to being spanked, or spanking you, then the negotiations can begin. Is it to be done strictly in role play settings (Such as “naughty schoolgirl”), or can it be done anytime? Can it be done naked? With your bare hand only? Can you use other items such as whips, paddles, wooden spoons, etc?

Next, choose some safe words to use. “Yellow” for slow down/lighten up, and “Red” for stop are great words that can be used. Once this is finalized, let the play begin!

Use these tips for Erotic Spankings:

• “Warm Up” the area with soft spanks, rubbing, massaging.

• Start soft and build up to the point that your partner states is enough for them.

• Have a sense of humor, it’s called sex “play” for a reason.

• Totally respect your partners wishes in regard to how much to do, how much pressure to use and if they want just light love taps to a full blown whipping.

• Always, always, always, use good aftercare manners.

• Read Spanking Etiquette.

Aftercare for spanking depends on how much you spanked your partner. It could be a little massage and words of how sexy they are, to getting a cool towel to cool them off with. Your partner may be so turned on that aftercare will have to wait until after you’ve given them whatever release it is they feel they need. This is totally up to you and your partner to figure that part of it out.

Spanking is sexy fun and a huge turn on for many people. Some people find it repulsive and will not want to bother even experimenting. And of course, there are many in betweens.  If you do both decide it’s something you would like to discover together, then take your time and have fun. You will find this can be a very exciting new way to connect with each other.

Skin Play for Sensual Bliss will also give you some more advance tips on using ideas like spanking to spice up your sex life.

Sexual Workout for Women

The primary sexual exercise for women are Kegel exercises. Kegel exercises work out the muscles inside the vagina which will leave you feeling tighter and will become a more pleasurable fit for your partner. Believe me ladies, if you work out these muscles and use them during sex with your partner, he is going to go out of this world with pleasure!

The easiest way to learn to perform Kegel exercises is to stop and start urinating in mid stream. Once you get the hang of that, you can practice them anytime, anywhere. Start slow with squeezing those muscles to a count of four and then releasing for a count of four. Do ten sets of these two to three times a day and work up to about ten to fifteen seconds of holding action.

You may also want to look into getting Smart Balls or Ben Wa Balls. They will give you something to grip and hold onto. After just a short time of working out with Kegel exercises, you will notice a great improvement in sexual performance. Not only that, but you will help prevent urinary incontinence in your later years!

Sexual Workout for Men

Men, you are very lucky. There are exercises you can do that will give you stronger ejaculations, will control the direction of your erection, increase volume of semen, give you a healthier prostate, prevent urine leakage in your later years, and even more than that! But most important, nothing beats a good hard, strong penis to help with giving your lady the kind of sex that will keep her happy and begging for more. Is that enough to motivate you? I hope so, let’s get started!

Kegels for Men

Yes, men, you have muscles in there too, just like the ladies that need a good workout. The directions for this are exactly the same as for the ladies except for two big differences. One is, only do these three to four times a week and work your way up to more slowly. If you over-do it, you won’t be able to get an erection until you’ve rested up for a bit. Also, you don’t have the tools to use as the ladies do, but you don’t need them.

In a short time you’ll notice that you’ve increased the strength of these muscles. Show off that new found strength by doing your Kegels when you are inside your partner. You can tap just the right spots inside and can give each of you immense orgasms!

Penis Lifts

This exercise will increase the size of your penis by bulking it up and increasing the girth. It will also increase the strength and we all ready talked about how nice that will be for you and your partner! The added girth will also be greatly appreciated by your partner!

* Sit at the edge of your seat and make your penis fully erect.
* Hang a face cloth over the base of your penis and contract your penis muscles to make the erection stand all the way up.
* Hold this position for three seconds and then work up to five seconds. Do five reps for three sets and work up to ten reps for five sets two to three times a week.
* As you get stronger, you can wet the wash cloth to give it some weight, and then start to slowly move it up closer and closer to the head of your penis.

The Jelq Workout

If you master this one, your penis size will quite literally be in your own hands! This exercise should be done daily. Make sure to start slow and easy and gently, this is very important. Going to fast or too rough will do more damage than good, so be patient with yourself!

* Before you begin this exercise, and then afterward, you want to apply a hot compress on the genitals. You can use a hot towel for this, as hot as what is comfortable. This will warm the tissues up and is important to begin to increase the flow of blood to the penis.
* After your hot compress, you want to use some lube, don’t be shy with the lube, it’s an important part of this workout.
* Starting with a semi-erection and don’t do this exercise with an erect penis, take breaks if you have to.
* Encircle the base of your penis with one hand. Ensure that no blood escapes.
* While holding the base with one hand, use your other hand to move towards the head of your penis, forcing the blood upwards.
* If the urge to ejaculate begins to overwhelm you, take a break and try again at another time. You don’t want to ejaculate during this exercise.

What all this does is rebuilds and expands the The corpora cavernosa and the corpus spongiosum, or the spongy tissues inside your penis. The ligaments of the penis (Suspensory ligament) will become lengthened making your penis stronger and larger. In a few months time, you will notice an improvement in penis size, in the girth and length. Long-time practitioners of this workout have claimed up to several inches of length are possible.

Guys, I would also suggest you invest in a good penis pump and use it. That offers a great, and fun workout as well.

The Dare!

Now that you have some exercises, there is no excuse! Get started with these exercises as soon as possible. I dare someone to do these consistently for one month and then let us know how it worked for you!

I’m proud to announce The Sexiest Couple Award and Grand Prize Goes to:

LilMama and BigDaddy!

LilMama and BigDaddy have won:

* A gift basket from Lust Cosmetics valued at $100.00
* A HappyHer.com gift Certificate of $100.00
* Free Scholarship to the Upcoming Secret Program – (Details will be released later,….)
* A mini session via phone and another free erotic gift from Veronica Monet
* Great Sex for Life Toolkit (Playbook, DVD and CD) from Krisanna Jeffrey
* $10.00 Gift Certificate from Hunter’s Romantic Secrets

What they had to say:

“MY MARRIAGE HAS BEEN SAVED! We are now stronger than ever, understanding each others feelings better we put each other first rather than ourselves. What we liked this time around was the homework  assignments they were rather interesting, reminded us of being in school which we feel this challenge is school because we learn tons of information during the challenge.

We have become disciplined to make sure we speak with each other, to see how the other ones day went, we recognize issues before losing control of the issue, we have way less arguments, and we don’t place blame on the other one anymore.

Most of all our date/movie nights has upgraded to dinner and dancing.  Our challenge definitely is going to continue as we both have lost weight by participating in this challenge, we love our sex life, and our communication and body language with each other has improved tremendously.”

The Most Adventurous Couple Award and First Place Prize Go to:

BigD & H

BigD and H have won:

* A gift basket from Lust Cosmetics valued at $100.00
* A HappyHer.com gift Certificate of $50.00
* Free Scholarship to the Upcoming Secret Program – (Details will be released later….)

What they had to say:

“We didn’t notice how our lives were taken over by work. The 101 day sex challenge reminded us that we’re still kids and shouldn’t let one area of life take over everything.  We’ve been talking more, smiling more, and eating better. We feel healthier, happier, and far less stressed. We’ve also lost some weight! Not that either of us were obese, but now plan to market a new weight loss program inspired by Tracy’s challenge! (just kidding!)

The biggest benefit we’ve found has been the communication and cooperation.  The amount of sex we have was the catalyst for all of our recent changes and we can’t imagine letting ourselves be sucked back into work.

We’re going to continue having sex daily. Even when we’re not feeling our best. The last 3 months have been far too
amazing to let go. The physical and emotional benefits we experienced so far are unlike anything. We’re planning to
finish off the bdsm checklist, including the things we’ve previously decided we just didn’t find interesting. Those
experiences, along with pushing the limits in other ways will keep things fresh and interesting for a long time. We’re both incredibly glad to have signed up!”

I want to thank all of the sponsors, they’ve helped make this Challenge a rewarding event for all.  Thank you, also to the couples for the time, and risk they put into accepting this challenge!  It was truly an amazing experience all the way around!

Now, what is the free scholarship to the Upcoming Secret Program you may ask?  Well, let’s just say it’s going to be a revolution in enhancing relationships.  I promise to give you more information soon!

CAT allows clit stimulation during regular orgasm which many intercourse positions do not allow.  We do recommend using plenty of lube with this position and to adjust it according to the amount of clit stimulation you are comfortable with.    This position takes the missionary position to new levels of excitement and satisfaction.

How to “Do” CAT

• Get into missionary position.  You know, woman on her back on the bottom and man on top between her legs.

• Woman’s legs should be slightly bent.

• Man should position himself higher than normal, using his arms to hold himself up better, but relax his upper body.

• Allow the woman to create most of the movement and notice the contact between her clit and the base of his penis.

• Try rocking back and forth and even side to side a bit, focusing on this contact with the clit over typical thrusting penetration alone.

Variations:

• Woman can then wrap her legs around his so that her ankles rest on his calves.

• Man can kneel between woman’s legs, with his legs bent under him, then lean over her, and position himself higher on her body.

• Insert a small bullet before penetration, you’ll both feel exquisite vibrations.

This position takes some playing around with, but is well worth the experimentation.

Our gift to you is 15% off everything at HappyHer.com until May 31.  Just use SEXYMOM in the Coupon Code at checkout.

I’m sorry, but those reasons are based in ignorance.  It’s like taste testing food.  How do you really know if you’ll like it, or how well they’ll work if you won’t even try them?

Sex toys aren’t meant to replace a partner.  You can never replace human touch and intimacy.  Never, ever, ever, ever.  Well, they do help for masturbating, but that’s a different story.  Using sex toys with your partner is meant to enhance and increase pleasure, offer more satisfying orgasms, and deepen physical and emotional intimacy.  How can that be wrong or bad?

You also can’t become addicted to sex toys.  You may like them so much that you feel addicted to them, but you’ll still find yourself having lots of sex without the toys.  In fact, you’ll probably more sex as there is great pleasure in variety.   Sex toys definitely help give you a broader range of variety to have adventures with.

The best sex toys for couples are created through years of testing.  I would love to be on that testing panel.  I think in a way my husband and I are as we like to check out a lot of different toys since I work with them all day anyway.  I can’t tell you how much they’ve added to our sex life.  Even the most simple toys can pack some great pleasure.  Some don’t work at all for us, and that’s okay too.  The ones that work for us, well, it’s worth the “duds’ for sure.  The duds still offer us something to laugh about and deepen our intimacy as we further learn what works and what doesn’t for each of us.

My reccomendation is to get some sex toys and try them out.  What have you got to lose?  Perhaps a few dollars, but most toys can be purchased for pennies on the dollar and the experience itself can be priceless.  After you’ve actually tried them once or twice, then you can make intelligent choices and you might just find your sex life going to new levels of excitement!

The Top Three Sex Toys for Couples:

Here is our pick of “starter” toys that each couple should take the time to try at least once.

• A Cockring.  A cockring is created to give a man a stronger erection with some major lasting power.  His orgasm will be significantly more intense.  Overall, this is a win-win situation for both people.  Get a cockring that is adjustable, or super stretchy to start with and see for yourself how amazing it can be.  If you like it, try a cockring that has a vibrator attached to it too for some extra delights for both of you.  You can learn how to use a Cockring HERE.

• A Bullet or Egg Vibrator.  This are small powerhouses of vibration.  They can be used to massage both of you and are exquisite to adding new levels of sensation to oral sex on either one of you.  They can be inserted vaginally (We don’t recommend anal insertion of these vibes), you can then continue with intercourse with the bullet inserted as well and you’d be amazed at how much you both may enjoy this.  You can also use it for clitoral stimulation, or perineum stimulation during intercourse as well.

• A Dildo Vibrator.  Start with a small one that won’t seem intimidating. It’s great for foreplay on each other, or to use to help finish your partner off with if you don’t last as long.  Some women can’t orgasm without a vibrator.  That’s just how some women are physically wired and is exactly why vibrators were invented in the first place.  Try it and you’ll see what satisfaction and pleasure can be accomplished.

• Don’t forget the lube!  Most sex toys work best when you use some lube with them.  Even if you use no other sex toy, lube can come in handy time and time again.

So, let’s get honest.  We use tools for everything in life.  We use them to help make our tasks easier and more pleasant to accomplish.  Well, sex toys are tools, and they are toys.  They are tools because they will do things for you that you can’t do by yourself.  Kind of like you wouldn’t change a tire with your bare hands.  They are toys because they are FUN.  Doesn’t your relationship deserve at least a chance to try them?